This is Not What I Want!!

He was there and needs someone.

She was there and needs someone.

Why are thier partners so stupid to let them wonder?

Turning 31!

In another 4 days time, I'll be 31 years old. Yeah, I know. Really old already.

Still I've not archieve the short term goal.

Trying very hard on the long term goal.....

Randomness....

Guess I've been 'away' for very long huh. Well, I just dont have the mood to blog anything at all. Things happened of course but its the same ol stories I think.

But the lastest was I didnt get my performance bonus again. I was mad and furious cos the one who do nothing at all got it. Unfair you said well has life been fair? You answer youself lah huh....

Hmmm... what shall I write about? Ok recently while 'sitting and thinking', I suddenly came to my mind of 0823C. Yeah the civics group that I was in charge of while the JC 1 were having their camp last year. If not for them, I wouldnt be climbing up mountain. Mt Panti to be exact. Challenging for me physically. For someone who do not have 'exercise' in their list of things to do everyday, it is a challenge. Mentally very stressful too.

Have I thanked you 0823C? If I havent then, THANK YOU! You people had left such a fond memory for me to remember all my life. Cos I definately not gonna climb another mountain I tell you.

I'm also now very busy preparing for my upcoming holidays to NZ and the country down under. I should be virgin experience to 'negeri orang putih'. Hahaha.... Very excited about it. Nurul is also going and she is really looking foward to take the plane. She had never been on a plane before.

Talking about taking plane, my first experience taking the plane was when I was 18yrs old going on a holiday to Jakarta with my family. We were on board Thai Airways. Back then I was very 'jakun' obviously. Until now I still look forward to taking plane whenever I go on holidays cos I dont come from a well to do family to enjoy the luxury of taking the plane as and when I want although now taking plane is considered 'affordable'. Boleh kira lah berapa kali aku naik kapal terbang pon kan.

This trip is partially sponsored by my mom. The financial espect of it is actually taking a toll on me. See, I was expecting the PB to come but since it was not my 'rezki' I'm already starting to feel the pinch. 'The other source' also dont seem to work cos things really dont work out. So I'm really stress rite now.

But that is not the ultimate culprit of my stress definately. Its just part of it. A lot of other factors which cause me to be in the state that I am now.

I know people will say, Hey look, there will be others who suffer worse than you so just be thankful. Well I didnt say that I'm not thankful with what I have now but the emotional part, can you feel what I'm feeling now? Everyone has their own set of problems so do I. So let me tell you, what I'm feeling, you will never understand. Like how I can only listen to people problems but ultimately its their own way to tackle their own problems. Get it? No? Never mind.

I simply dont know what I'm typing. But I've to let out some where. I used to write journal as a form of outlet for me to pour out my feelings. I will write on any paper. I dont have a specific book for it.

There is so much on my mind rite now. I pray that I will pull through this period soon.

Romantic Novels??

I just finished reading The Wednesday Letters by Jason F.Wright. Fuh! Feeling gils lah I tell you. Hahaha......pssttt I'm in a hopelessly in love mode or the other way round, never mind, go figure.

Back to the book, its seriously a very motivating book. Love always equate to women I guess. Tak boleh dipisahkan so yeah, go read it people.

It has all the right elements. Love, values, family, romance, kinship, friendship.......... and yeah, bottomline...... I like! Hahaha.......

Oh ya, the other day I went to watch Nights in Rodanthe starring Richard Gere ( HEY! its richard gere people..... richard gere! the romantic guy?? no?? never mind )

Guess I watched it with the wrong person.....hmmm.... i guess..... cos its with MY GF. Arghhh.... girls being girls or women in this case, haha, we are very moved by the movie. My GF cried buckets full of tears I tell ya. But, tell me again, in which movies did she not cry?? haha...

Nights in Rodanthe is an adaptation from the novel by Nicholas Spark. Yeah another romantic guy. The first book I read by the author was Message in the Bottle. That was like years ago and I dont really remember all the details in the book but what I remember was, I cried reading the book. Gosh! It was later turn into a movie. A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore also was originally written by this guy.

Ok people, I'm now like craving to read more romantic novels so any recomendation?

Sengaja Cari Penyakit kan.... Ni lah Padahnya! Saper suruh bercinta...

I've been wanting to write this entry but it seems so personal for me. But since I decide to share it with you, well its not personal anymore i guess.

See, the problem is, I'm in love with this guy for almost six years now. And he is the only one that I've love this long. Get it? Its like he is already stick to me literally. No matter what he did, it seems we can forgive and forget about the matter.

So, things happen. Very bad. Something which to some is unacceptable. Even initially I cant take it and I decide that enough is enough being with him. But again, I forgive and this time round I dont forget the matter anymore cos obviously its a very serious matter.

But the consequence of being with him this time will be, my family or those who are close to me and knew the story will not be very happy. My mom even lost her respect to this man who I love.

Ok now, what if we decide to get married? I'm like sandwich in between both parties who I love. See, my family and friends dont like him or respect him anymore like they used to since that ONE particular incident. And him on the other hand, feel very ashamed and difficult to approach all these people cos obviously they will give him 'that kind of look'.

Me? Yeah, I understand the position of my family and friends. They love me very much and do not want me to be hurt and for history to repeat itself. I also understand him. He tries very hard not to repeat his mistake that stupid mistake of his. He is also 'that' afraid to face them cos he knew he had done a great deal of a mistake.

SEE, when I go round visiting during raya, almost all my uncles and aunties advise me not to go against my parents. Yeah like as if they knew I'm in this predicament. But I'm not you see. Far from what I have in mind to go against my parents. All I was hoping for is for them to give him some room for him to prove himself. Yeah, all talk and no actions pon tak guna jugak.

Seriously, I'm sandwich. They will say things about him and will start to give that look and will definately dont like me going out with him again. He will start to be pressurised and complain all this to me. What can I do? All also I love. But all also not compromising. Eveyone thought they loves me and wants the best for me. But do everyone knows what I'm going through? I'm not siding either my family/friends or him. Neither.

Say, I leave him and just make my family happy, WILL I BE HAPPY? Cos people will start to say, "Ada banyak lagi lelaki yang ada kat dunia ni. So why him?" Yeah, but to me, he is willing to change. He is willing to prove and to gain back all the respect lost. Most importantly, I forgive him and willing to give him a chance. So if he go away just like that, will I regret for the rest of my life for making that decision?

Istikharah you say? Yeah done that. Even when I went umrah in 2004 when the relationship is in the early stage, almost every time there that I will pray for Allah to show me the man( if there is gonna be one lah in my life after the first marriage fails ). I'll pray that Allah 'menjauhkan' the person who is not suitable for me in this case, him. It seems that, he is always so close. Literally also very close. Haha.

Arghh... seriously, I dont know what to do. If only I can cut my body into half. Yalah, to make both parties happy except me lah.

Whatever, just need a bit of help here. Just pray the best for me, CAN?

Thanks, ;)

I'm Getting Impatient!

Seriously when I read an email sent by and long time friend, I'm very pissed. Not at the sender but the one who send the sender the email.

Call yourself a sister in Islam?? You have the rights??

Arghhh! Only when I'm keeping my cool and you are there to provoke me?? Its as if you got no faults and only I'm at fault??

People really have the cheek to tell other people that I'm avoiding them when all you can do was walk up to me if you are sincere enough....... But sorry, now my heart have really close for you.

I cant take it when people are trying to show that she is very pious when the very basic like not hurting someone else is already sinful. Never in time for appointments and worst still did not turn up for appointments. Arghh many other things.

Shall not be bothered by it! I've got my own life to lead. As confused as it already is, stop bothering me!

By the way, on that particular fateful day that you said you saw me, I was not in my best mood to entertain anyone including YOU!

Sometimes people like you just dont learn!

Do I Have to Care?

With what people's impression on me? The more you dont care, the more you start to care.

And I dont understand why I juz refused to even peek at my blogspot since the last entry.

Things happened the way you dont intend it would be.